Death

The term ignorance is bliss has always been a lie, at least in my mind. I have never seen anyone ignorant and happy. Most people are ignorant in some regard, myself most definitely included. I guarantee you none of them are happy. No matter how much people know, they will always have something to worry about.

I was 6 years old when I first had the idea of none existence. The feeling of simply not wanting exist at all. When I was 8 I had my first thought of death, of passing on from this mortal plane. O' what that must feel like. When I was 9 I had my first thought of killing myself, that the world would be better off without me in it. 

These thoughts have always permeated my mind. Even now I wonder what it would feel like to die.

To escape.

Life often gets so stressful and rarely does it feel like there are moments of peace. Like there is any time to sit down and relax.

I live in a perpetual cycle of thinking of death, worrying about dying and accepting it. My life is a constant state of these three feelings.

If you hadn't guessed it by now, I am clinically depressed with an anxiety disorder. I am unmedicated with no therapy, it takes a lot of effort to get up in the morning. I simultaneously fear death and want to die.

I am aware I will die eventually, this is the case for us all. But lately I have had a much different thought, not one of the gradual death we all experience but instead, I feel am going to die soon.

I feel the warm embrace of deaths cold body against me,

My insides twist and turn and I am thin.

Happy Holidays. Update post coming soon..

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Despair Came Knocking

Daniel Johnston

December Update Post

Hi, long time no see. I had to think for a moment whether that term even applies to this but you do in fact have to see to even read this so I guess it does. Unfortunately I can't type in braille and have it be readable through a screen. Though, text to speech would work too.

Anyway hi, I haven't written here in a couple weeks. Most of my time is being spent going to work, coming home, watching Miraculous Ladybug, sleeping, repeat. Not a whole lot of interesting stuff, I know but hey, that's life. I have been trying to work enough hours to have money to pay the rest of my bills. (currently in $9 of medical debt, thank god for insurance, would have been $500 otherwise, plus the $200 I still have for rent.) while also having enough to buy worthy holiday gifts for my loved ones and still have enough left over to start saving. (college, unfortunately isn't gonna pay for itself). 

Life is just oh so...sooo fun. Real treat.

Ignoring my pessimistic outlook and struggle in life, and while I'm speaking of Miraculous.... My partner and I are about half way through season 5, reaally close to being caught up. Then I can finally look at Miraculous tags online without getting spoiled. Last time I looked on Twitter a month ago I got spoiled about something called 'Miraculous World'. No clue exactly what it's gonna be but I have been trying my best to forget it exist all together. Perhaps when we are all caught up I can write an opinion piece on this amazing hot garbage of a show. emphasis on amazing and garbage.

All I will say right now is that I full heartedly endorse this show, and I think everyone should watch a couple episodes. At least enough to really soak in the the plot Thomas Astruc is making.

Great stuff.

Moving on, I have only one bit of writing unrelated to all of this to share with you. Recently I went to a Suicidal Tendencies concert and had the pleasure of listening to some decent punk music while getting thrown around in a pit filled with, at one point, 6 sweaty shirtless middle aged men. Here is what I wrote: 

Push, Spin, Shove;

Push, Spin Shove,

Push, Spin Shove,

Push, Spin, Shove

In the eye of the storm,

Bodies push and spin past,

violently thrashing against each other,

The smell of old leather and

body odor permeates the air,

With a violent shove, my body is forced from tranquility.

Caught in the storm,

Push, Spin, Shove,

Push, Spin, Shove;

My mind leaves it's capsule as it hits the floor,

This lasts naught but a second

as my body is hoisted from the ground,

I am unwillingly shoved back into the storm,

Push, Spin, Shove,

Push, Spin, Shove,

Push, Spin, Shove;

Twirling and thrashing against its unbeatable force,

I am once again knocked to the floor,

All goes still, the world around me dissolving away

like background noise, ringing in my ears,

I am at peace,

At peace in a storm of body odor and assholes.

All these old dudes in the pit need to learn how to take a shower. I have never smelt a more rotten smell in my life. It's like everyone's body odor combined to form this twisted new scent that smells vaguely of death. Like someone had a stroke in the pit and unaware of this, the rest of crowd continued to body slam this corpse around the room till there was nowhere you could go to escape the smell.

That's it for now, Happy Holidays,

I leave you with this song:

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Song

Clown Core

Thank god the holidays are over.

See you soon, I'm off to work.