Death

The term ignorance is bliss has always been a lie, at least in my mind. I have never seen anyone ignorant and happy. Most people are ignorant in some regard, myself most definitely included. I guarantee you none of them are happy. No matter how much people know, they will always have something to worry about.

I was 6 years old when I first had the idea of none existence. The feeling of simply not wanting exist at all. When I was 8 I had my first thought of death, of passing on from this mortal plane. O' what that must feel like. When I was 9 I had my first thought of killing myself, that the world would be better off without me in it. 

These thoughts have always permeated my mind. Even now I wonder what it would feel like to die.

To escape.

Life often gets so stressful and rarely does it feel like there are moments of peace. Like there is any time to sit down and relax.

I live in a perpetual cycle of thinking of death, worrying about dying and accepting it. My life is a constant state of these three feelings.

If you hadn't guessed it by now, I am clinically depressed with an anxiety disorder. I am unmedicated with no therapy, it takes a lot of effort to get up in the morning. I simultaneously fear death and want to die.

I am aware I will die eventually, this is the case for us all. But lately I have had a much different thought, not one of the gradual death we all experience but instead, I feel am going to die soon.

I feel the warm embrace of deaths cold body against me,

My insides twist and turn and I am thin.

Happy Holidays. Update post coming soon..

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Despair Came Knocking

Daniel Johnston